Why are lies so personally painful?
If we find out that we have been lied to, we often experience great personal pain. Why?
Answer
All relationships are built on common values. Those values we share in common with someone else are the essential foundation, the common ground on which the relationship is built. Without those shared values there is no relationship.
A lie to someone is an attempt to make the person believe there are shared values between the two when those values are not actually shared. The person making the lie is attempting to hide the their true values. They would do this so that they might gain the benefits of relationship without having shared values.
The one who lies is intentionally exploiting the other person with this deception. This is why lying is so horrid. The lier knew the values weren't shared all along. And so lying is any thing intentionally done, said or not said which is intended to lead another to believe the two were like each other when really they were not. Exploitation by lies prepares a collection of wounds for the heart of the person being deceived.
This is why we feel so betrayed when we find that someone has been lying to us. Real relationships are built on common value systems. If we find that a relationship we valued was false and never existed as we thought, the pain is very significant.
We can also see why people are so slow to trust after they have been lied to. It was about the deception regarding who or what the lier was to them, it was never was about the words. Even if one who did lie then changed to actually be what they had claimed they were, now the other person has to be sure. The only thing they will trust is a long term change in actions.
To avoid lies, Jesus calls us to adopt his value system of sacrificial love for the benefit of others. If we all share Jesus' value system, we then know what everyone else values, our actions will follow this value system, and our relationships can heal and grow.
The value system perspective used here is based on ideas from the work of Darren Twa.