Forgiveness Q&A

Forgiveness is easy to understand though it is often mis-understood, and it is hard to do.

 

Remember the basic principles:

• All relationships are based on shared values.
• All conflicts in relationship are conflicts over value system.

So, unresolved conflicts can lead to breakdown in relationships.

 

What is forgiveness?

Forgiveness is a process for restoring relationship. It has two goals that are both needed for restoring a relationship:

• deal with the results of the value conflicts of the past
• come to common values for the future

 

The forgiveness process has several ordered steps to accomplish these goals:

• Release: The forgiver personally decides to let go of the relational debt they are owed by the offender; the forgiver permanently releases their claim on the debt of offense and becomes free of it. (See more detail)
  • Note that this is a change only in the forgiver. The offender is not involved or affected.
  • This is done any time before Forgiveness as a precondition part of that step.

• Repentance: The offender changes their mind about their old value system, the one which brought about the offense; the offender changes their value system.

• Confession: The offender admits to the forgiver their old values were wrong; they admit their fault. (To confess something is to admit it true.) The offender comes to an agreement with the forgiver on the offense, especially regarding the selfish value system that motivated it.

• Forgiveness:Discharge: The forgiver tells the offender that they have been forgiven; the forgiver discharges the offender from obligation to repay the relational debt of offense. The offender accepts this gift.
• Forgiveness:Restoration: The forgiver treats the forgiven person according to the new value system they have adopted. The forgiver no longer treats the offender as someone who had offended.

• Reconciliation: Both parties become involved in renewed development of the relationship, extending it by living out their harmonized values.

 

What if we leave out some of the process steps?

First, if we do not truly Release the debt of offense we may become embittered. We cannot truly discharge the offender if we hold on to the debt they owe us.

Then remember that the primary goal of the forgiveness process is restoration of relationship. The steps Repentance & Confession working together, bring changes in values system within a relationship, bringing them into common. This is why the process works. Relationship can only exist when individuals share values in common.

Unfortunately the only step of forgiveness which is sometimes highlighted is Forgiveness:Discharge. However, without the other steps, the foundational values problem that has damaged the relationship is never corrected. That is a mistake.

The offender must go through a change in values. If their values are unchanged, they will naturally re-offend at a later time. If this cycle repeats, eventually the offended will be unable to continue absorbing the offenses and the relationship will die.

Jesus said, "If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him" (Luke 17:3, emphasis added). Jesus taught us to forgive within relationship only if there is repentance. A process without repentance will ultimately fail to restore relationship because no values change is being brought into the relationship.

Failing Forgiveness:Restoration by not treating the forgiven person according to their new value system will prevent success in reconciliation.

Without Reconciliation, the relationship cannot live again.

When the process is done with all its ordered steps, it genuinely works for restoring relationship. But, it requires all the steps for it to be effective.

 

How does this forgiveness process match to becoming a Christian?

The forgiveness process is an excellent description of the process of becoming a Christian.

• Because of the cross, God does not retain an interest in us paying down the relational costs of our sin.
• By repentance we change our mind about our old value system, and instead adopt the value system of God.
• Through confession, we agree with God that our (sinful) value system was wrong.
• God then forgives us, discharging us from our debt of sin.
• God treats us as having a common value system with him, and therefore, a restored relationship with him.
• God and us together develop and expand this restored relationship because of reconciliation.

This is a matter of grace because God gives forgiveness to us without any merit from us. This is a matter of faith because we must trust that his forgiveness to us is real.

 

When I became a Christian, I don't remember going through those exact forgiveness steps. Why?

All relationships are based on a common value system. This is especially true of a relationship with God. So, God uses the process of forgiveness for restoring relationship with him because it is the process of coming to a common value system.

Before coming to Christ, we were indifferent or maybe antagonistic to him. We only wanted to do what we wanted to do. And then because of life experiences, we met Jesus. Afterwards, we wanted to learn to become like him because he showed us how to be better.

Before we know we are spiritually reborn, God plants a seed of new life in us and nurtures it ("prevenient grace"). We may not be conscious of this new life at the point when God starts it. But, at some point we respond to God in young faith. We want to grow and change. In our experience, we might not consciously go through all the forgiveness process steps at the time that we first express faith in God. However, as we grow in spiritual maturity, we will find that we do follow this process.

There is both the sovereignty of God and the free will of man in the process of becoming a Christian. The church has long struggled to understand the balance between the two because big problems (bad living and heresies) result if either aspect is emphasized too strongly. It is God's power that creates and sustains the growth in us, but growth will not happen without our active, willing participation.

So, becoming a Christian is the process of growing into a relationship with God. It has a point of initiation (in our consciousness), and it is also an on-going process of living. We may not have consciously done all the steps at the time we consider ourselves to have been saved. But our God is not bound in time, and can see our willingness to adopt his value system even though it may occur for us in the future. He credits each of our responses in faith as righteousness, and then gently guides us into more truth.

 

What is repentance? I don't understand it theologically.

The Greek word "metanoeo" that we translate as repentance means to think differently, to reconsider, to change your thinking. That was also the meaning of "repent" in English hundreds of years ago. In modern times we have changed the common understanding of the English word, but the theological concept is unchanged.

It is clear that repentance involves a change in the mind, and it relates to change regarding things done wrong. But, first there are a couple of things repentance is not:

• Repentance is not the idea of feeling bad about my wrongdoings. (It is not the dictionary meaning of an emotional response about the offense.) When we want to change from doing wrong, we may experience regret or sorrow about what we did previously, but that is not part of the repentance process. We should also not dwell on these feelings because God has forgiven us and we need to move forward!
• Repentance is not simply the idea of changing our mind about God to accept only his means of salvation. That would be a change toward payment for our sin, yes. However, repentance importantly includes change we make in our thinking which works toward elimination of sin in us.

As a theological word, repentance is connected to a change from sin. So first an understanding of sin will help to understand repentance. Sin is choosing a value system other than God's. The value system of God is sacrificial love for the benefit of others. When we instead choose our own (selfish) value system as our motivation, all our actions that come from it are sinful. Instead if we become motivated by the value system of God, our actions can become acts of righteousness.

Repentance is changing your mind about a value that you previously held, and (it should be) choosing instead a different, better value. Theologically, repentance would be changing your mind to adopt the value system of God, or changing a personally held value to become consistent with God's values.

In Matthew 18:23-34, Jesus explains forgiveness with a story. (I will re-tell it with the character names Rex, Tom & Jack.)

There was a king Rex and his servant Tom who owed a large sum of money to the king. The king wanted this account paid in full and settled. Because Tom could not pay the debt, King Rex was ready to bankrupt and jail him. However, Tom pleaded for mercy and promised to repay it all. In great mercy, Rex canceled the debt.

However, Tom then went out and found another man, Jack, that owed him some small sum and demanded immediate repayment. When Jack couldn't pay up, Tom had him thrown in prison in spite of Jack's requests for mercy.

When the king found out about this, he reinstated Tom's canceled debt because Tom did not act toward Jack with the value system of the King Rex.

Jesus then said that this is how God will treat us if we do not forgive each other!

Did Tom repent? Yes - at least he did pledge repentance. Originally his value system allowed him to accumulate debt to his master. When Tom pleaded for mercy, he promised to change his values by making repayment be his high priority. The king then voluntarily forgave him and began treating him financially and relationally according to his new value system. Tom did absolutely no works to be saved from condemnation. He was saved through the king's mercy and generosity because of the new values he pledged to adopt.

However, when it became evident that Tom did not actually adopt values like that of his king, King Rex removed the forgiveness. The king condemned him for his lack of change in values as demonstrated by his actions. (And unfortunately King Rex and Tom never got to the part about reconciliation.)

The repentance that God wants from us is for us to change our mind about our value system, agree with him that it is wrong, and adopt his.

 

I don't understand the distinction of the Release step.

Historically, metaphors for sin have been that of a burden and as a debt (owed to the offended). Sin certainly creates these; and they encumber the forgiver as well as the offender. Our selfish desire is to have the offender carry the burden and pay up the debt. However, no one ever has currency to pay off debts of offense. In the best-case scenario then (of forgiveness), the cost of the offense must come out of the forgiver (the offended). Only the forgiver can release the burden of the offense, and only they can discharge the debt obligation of the other.

But the forgiver does not need to wait for a repentant offender before giving up their own personal interest in the debt. ••• As soon as they experience an offense, they can consciously release their claim on it. Quickly releasing this debt strengthens mental health. Unresolved relational debt presents real burdens for life, but releasing it gives freedom to the person that has been offended.

Release includes the idea of leaving behind that which might be yours - this is neither passive nor easy. Releasing always costs the forgiver something. After Release, however, the forgiver retains nothing owed to them. Effectively they themselves just paid the debt down in full, so then it is gone.

Note that the forgiver might have to take actions to pay off that cost. Jesus died on the cross to pay in his own person the relational cost of our rebellion against God.

The Release step is unique because it involves only the forgiver. Jesus died for us while we were still sinners. We also can let go of our claims on the debts of others to us at any time before we forgive them.

So, the Release step is an important distinction. It is an action entirely within the forgiver. It is a part of the forgiveness process, however, it is not giving forgiveness to the offender (Discharge), and it does not restore relationship. However with the attitude it brings, you will be glad to forgive the offender when they repent.

 

When do I need to forgive?

It is required of those in Jesus' spiritual kingdom that they always forgive others in the kingdom. Forgiveness is such a key expression of God's values, that God only forgives us to the degree we forgive others. (Matthew 6:14-15) God values forgiveness so highly that He was willing to die to bring it to us. Holding an unforgiving attitude indicates you are putting your self outside God's kingdom and it's value system. (See more detail)

But, we can also see that God does not require us to forgive those who are outside his kingdom, who do not have his value system. (Note also that God does not forgive the sins of those outside his kingdom.) God does this to protect his people from exploitation. Those outside his kingdom are likely to be driven by selfishness instead of love. And, they will also be unlikely to participate in a process of values change (more below). This blocks our forgiveness anyway.

Note however, that God does not command us to be unforgiving to those outside the kingdom; it is only that he doesn't require it of us. This is an aspect that requires wisdom. However, if our core value is to love sacrificially, it will easily overflow to everyone.

 

Don't offenses sometimes have more than only relational consequences?

Yes, sometimes there are both physical and relational consequences for wrong-doing. This forgiveness process is for restoring relationship and does not address the other consequences. We can see this in cases in the Bible of forgiveness for sin (a relational issue for God), without removal of the other physical consequences of sin. For example, the thief on the cross beside Jesus went to paradise, but he still died for his crimes that day.

Sometimes an individual may also forgive the physical consequences of a wrong-doing (as in the Matthew 18 story above). This is not a requirement, but it is an option. This is an aspect that requires wisdom.

 

What if one party won't participate in the full process of forgiveness?

Then the relationship will have an impediment. It might be clear to us that there is an issue needing the repair that comes from forgiveness, but the other does not. In that case, we are to show love to the other person and make the most of the parts of the relationship that are still workable.

Whether we are correct or mistaken in our assessment of the issue, love will be the best thing to promote healing in both parties and make future forgiveness possible. And if the issue is not too large, there will still be areas where the relationship has points of commonality and can be continued, even if diminished.

In cases where the issue is very significant, then the relationship will be significantly diminished, or may not be able to continue.

 

What if the offender will not participate in the full process of forgiveness?

Sometimes the offense is relatively small, and the offender may not realize the relationship issue being caused by it. This is where God's value in us of unselfishness comes into play and offenses can be covered over with love. (1 Peter 4:8)

Consider the whole of the offender's life. Do they show evidence of growing to have God's sacrificial love for others in other parts of their life? If so, then maybe it is just due to human imperfections that they are unable to perceive that the issue is an offense. (Everybody is remarkably different!) Love them wisely and quietly patient, and later they might grow to be able to understand better.

For non-trivial issues, however, the relationship will be stressed or even damaged as long as full forgiveness is blocked. When the offender knowingly skips steps in the process, the goal of reconciliation cannot truly be achieved. In that case, the offended is again to be like Christ in value system. Jesus waits patiently for us to confess and repent of our offenses against him even though the relationship state causes him pain. And we are also to wait patiently like Christ to be asked for forgiveness, even though the waiting is painful.

The forgiver cannot force the offender through the forgiveness process. In the offender's mind, they didn't do anything wrong, so they find it ludicrous or offensive that you want to forgive them. They will refuse to participate in something that makes them out to be wrong. If you give them forgiveness anyway, you will be set up for disappointment because their values are unchanged and they will soon re-offend. So the forgiver must wait until the offender repents before forgiving them.

However, the offended person should immediately Release their claim on the debt of offense owed to them. While waiting for the offender to fully participate in the forgiveness process, we cannot be angry with them (Matthew 5:21-24). Anger is the emotion we commonly experience when there is a wrong that we want to set right. By releasing our claim on the debt of offense, we can set things right within our self, and we do not have to battle anger.

The Release step also avoids another problem. We must also not take revenge on the offender. To take revenge would be thwarting the forgiveness process. Revenge is extracting payment by force from the offender, and we would be making an offense against them. Later, if they did ask for forgiveness, we would be unable to forgive their debt to us because we had already chosen revenge as payment and taken it from them. Because of this, we instead would be the one to need to ask for forgiveness!

Sometimes there are severe cases of offense where real evil has been done in a relationship. The relationship may not be able to continue. The difference in value system can be so large that there isn't enough in common to maintain the relationship. However, the offended as a victim still obtains freedom from the debt by Releasing it, and leaving that evil in the past. They are not required to make the unrepentant offender be part of their life; the victim can be free.

 

What if the forgiver will not participate in the full process of forgiveness?

The offender that desires the Discharge and Restoration that comes from forgiveness will feel pain because the debt they owe is not removed. In severe cases, the personal effects can also be severe. However, in spite of the internal stress, we are still to live sacrificial love. In this case, we must be careful that our love is humble and wise.

However, there is help: When we sin against another person, we also sin against God because we were motivated by a value system that was not God's. God will always forgive us if we come to him in repentance of our wrong value system. So we can gain the comfort of God's forgiveness.

In addition, it helps to involve a third party such as a wise friend or counselor. They can be a witness to our Confession and Repentance, they can encourage us, and they can help carry the burden that we feel.

 

---

The value system perspective used here is based on ideas from the work of Darren Twa.