Learning our values through emotions

Relationships are based on values that we share in common with other people. In this way, our values directly affect all our relationships. Unfortunately, sometimes it is not easy to know the real values that we hold.

Relationship Basics

Your values are the most important thing about you. In a very real sense, once someone gets past your physical characteristics, the sum of your values is who you are. They are your morality, and what you hold to be important on everything in life. Your values guide your decisions which drive your behaviors, your associations and your relationships.

All relationships are based on shared value systems. You get to know someone as you come to understand their value system. If we have nothing in common, no relationship will develop. But when we find things that we value together, we develop relationship around that common ground. We can be motivated to a common purpose around that value even if we only share values in that one area. However, the breadth of our shared values will determine the breadth of our relationship. And, the degree to which our shared values are deeply held values is the degree to which we can have deep relationships. This is true for non-moral values, but is especially true for moral values.

In our relationships, we have varying degrees of conflict. In every case, these conflicts can be traced back to a conflict of values. How the toothpaste tube is to be squeezed should not be a big issue between people. However, depending on our values about neatness that we hold we might have conflict over how it is squeezed. How money is to be spent does not need to be a big issue. However, we might want to accomplish things with our money because of our values and so we may have conflict with others because of that.

Our Real Values

The values that we say we have and the values that we demonstrate in practice are often not the same. We might think of that first category of values as our ideals, but it is the second category of values that actually drive us. Those latter values are our real values as validated by our behaviors and actions. Often it isn't easy for us to see what these are. How can we determine our real values?

This is a question is not everyone is equiped to study. Not everybody is interested in introspection. Plenty of people have difficulty trying to figure themselves out, especially if they feel they aren’t very good at doing it. So, when we try to improve relationships this self-blindness can present real challenges.

There is a way, however, to usefully discern our values. The values that we actually live by are the ones that will produce our desires. And our emotions indicate to us whether we are getting what we desire.

Our Desires

The desires that actually drive us flow out of the values that we actually hold. These desires generally fall into three categories: satifying bodily appetites, gaining reputational power, and increasing the domain in our control. These correspond to the three areas about which Jesus was tested in the wilderness (Matthew 4). From Jesus we see that

• It is better to be good than to satisfy our appetites
• It is better to be good than to have adoration
• It is better to be good than to have an earthly kingdom (power and wealth).

It is not wrong for us to tend to the needs of our bodies, for people to like us, or for us to have power and control. These desires are normal. God also has provided ways for these desires to be satisfied, and in ways that are compatible with His value system. However, we must be aware of our desires in these three key areas and the values that underly the desires. •••

Emotions are a Tool

Our emotions are a very useful tool in this process of self-examination. This is because our emotions simply reveal whether we are getting our desires. We experience positive (pleasant) emotions when our values are being done to us (we are getting what we desire), and negative (unpleasant) emotions when our values aren't being done to us (when we are not getting our desires).

It is critical to realize first, that positive emotions do not indicate whether a desire (and the value underneath it) is good, and negative emotions do not indicate whether a desire is wrong. They simply indicate whether we are receiving our desires. The strength of the emotion indicates to us the level of importance to us of the desire. Emotions are just indicators.

Emotions and Change

We may want to change the emotions we are experiencing; however, direct control of emotions is usually counterproductive. Use the emotions instead to discover your desires and therefore, your values. Then, change your values to change your emotions. Change them by adopting the value system of God which is sacrificial love for the benefit of others.

Note that we will experience some negative emotions as we change our values to be like God's values. Jesus experienced some strong negative emotions (e.g. sadness, anger) because he lived God's unselfish value system. But the emotions we will experience will be emotions more like God's emotions.

The process of change to God's values is difficult. Even if we experience strong negative emotions, God calls us to act in love. However, we will also experience more of positive emotions as we become transformed to have and live God's values (because our relationships will be improved). Additionally, understanding the principles of why we experience the negative emotions makes it less difficult to go through the experience.

Learning from Emotions

So, from our values come our desires, and these give us emotions as we go through life. God gave us these emotions to be a tool for understanding ourselves so we can become more like God in values.

We can look at the context of where we experience an emotion to notice what the trigger for it was. We can then see what it tells us about our desires in that context. When we know our desires we can figure out what our true values are. Then we can work to change that value if it is not one that want to keep. Or, we can confirm that value if it is one that we want to retain.

Each type of emotion tells us something about ourselves.

• Anger
  • the emotion we have when we think there is something that needs to be heard or be corrected
  • From our anger we can determine what we think are wrongs, and then what we think are rights.
  • Our true values and what we believe as rights will be closely related.

• Disgust
  • with regard to ethics it is a feeling that something is morally out of bounds and is wrong
  • Notice what the disgust is centered on.
  • What God values (not the culture) should establish the boundaries.

• Pride
  • happiness with ourself for something we did or we gained
  • Look at this thing of pride to see if it is aligned with what God values in a healthy way, or instead aligned with one of the aspects of temptation.

• Envy
  • the negative emotion we feel when another has done something better than us.
  • We wanted to have excelled instead.
  • Notice about what we wanted to excel and the associated desire.

• Happiness
  • what we experience when we are achieving the things that we desire
  • Identify what is bringing the happiness and then assess if it is for a reason that is aligns with God's goal of good for us.

• Sadness
  • what we experience when we are not getting what we desire or we lose what we desire
  • A contrast to happiness.
  • Inspect if the reason is for a value that is for a good or of a desire for good relationships.

• Love contains complimentary emotions:
  • 1) feelings from being loved by others
  • 2) feelings of caring for (wanting to love) others
  • The values being lived between people is what is most important.
  • We feel loved when what we value is done for us; others feel loved when what they value is done for them.
  • Notice what the desires and underlying values are.

• Fear
  • is felt when we believe harm or loss will come to what we value
  • We are concerned about losing control in our three areas of desire.
  • The value system of God is an antidote for fear because it is willing to give things up for others.

• Hope
  • trusts that we will receive what we value
  • Hope is optimistic for the future (where fear is pessimistic).
  • Notice what what our hope is being put into.

• Loneliness
  • comes from feeling unloved
  • Notice from where we are trying to get love.

• Jealousy
  • a fear of not holding the primary position of love with another
  • from not being the most important person to them, or
  • from not remaining the primary person to supply them with love
  • Notice who this relationship is with and why.

• Shame
  • this as a negative emotion comes from not measuring up to our professed values, of thinking we have done wrong
  • Notice what the shame is about and why.

• Regret
  • the enduring feeling after shame
  • It comes from evaluating the outcomes of our values.
  • When we are turned toward God, regret can help us change our values to be like his.

(These points are summarized from the book Emotions: Revealing our Value Systems. Highly recommended!)

 

Growth and Living

The perspective of value system on our living enables us to work on relationships in better ways. Because we see that values underlie both behaviors and emotions, we can also see that trying to work just at the level of behavior and emotion can bring only limited success.

The values perspective enables new ways of discussion about relationships. Sometimes talking about behaviors is unproductive because people quickly become defensive. However, talking about values that lead to behaviors can be more thoughtful. This is especially so when we can compare our values against a shared good standard of values (sacrificial love).

When we can discover the true values we hold, then we can have clarity about what we are doing right and what we might change.

• For our relationship with God, we can compare our values to God's value (of sacrificial love for the benefit of others) and see what parts of our values we need to work on.
• For our relationships with people, we can see how our interpersonal values agree or conflict, and we can work together to align them.

When our real active values are right, then the emotions and behaviors will follow rightly.

 

See next: Feelings and the Whole Heart

 

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The value system perspective used here is based on ideas I learned from a friend.